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The subject of green shopping bags came up last night in the Em-forcers thread about the Al Gore film (An Inconvenient Truth). As the thread was quite long I wanted to make sure everyone took notice of my warning about those green bags.
Some time ago I was sat at home in front of a hot sewing machine machine, making a snazzy new outfit for the weekend.
Whilst changing a cotton reel I noticed a crumpled green shopping bag in the corner of the room and, realising it was the one rendered useless because of a rip in the bottom, I thought could repair the bag.
Unfortunately the bag was beyond repair and just as I was preparing to discard it, I had a brainwave!
In no time at all I had cut 2 largish holes in the bottom of the bag, removed the handles and sewn in some elastic around the top. I had done the ultimate recycle job by creating a pair of green boxer shorts! Emforcer would have been proud of me.
I was cavorting in front of the mirror admiring my handiwork when my partner came home unexpectedly. Although suspicious at first, we were both soon giggling at my new underwear. My partner thought I should have kept the handles on for quick removal ( I was scared of getting the ultimate wedgie)
We were still giggling when suddenly my partner remembered it was tonight we were going to the movies to see a film we had been waiting to see for ages. Not wanting to miss the start of Brokeback Mountain, I quickly slipped on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and we dashed to the cinema.
We were sat on the front row, glued to the screen with a small box of tissues wedged on the armrest in between us when, in the latter part of the film, I began to feel some discomfort in the rear passage area.
I ignored it at first but when the pain increased I started to wonder what was going on.
My mind briefly thought about the way, in the middle of a weepy movie, the body gives you that ball in the throat and tears welling in the eyes thing,
Could this be the body’s way of reacting to Brokeback Mountain?
I managed to stand the pain until the end of the movie but as soon as the credits came up, we dashed to the car. Well, my partner dashed, I did my best impression of a penguin with diarrhoea.
The clothes flew off in the bathroom ( yes, ironically the handles would have helped) and my partner applied liberal amounts of Vaseline to the affected area.
The sound of the Vaseline going on will haunt me till the day I die, it was similar to the sound of a sausage going onto a red hot B.B.Q.
I spent an uncomfortable sleepless night lying face down on the bed with the ceiling fan on full blast.
The pain had subsided the next morning but it was still a few hours until I could sit down and rationalise the previous nights events.
It must be the green pants I thought, as I waddled to the bathroom to inspect the discarded underwear.
Had I left a pin in by mistake when I was sewing them up?
Was there some welded seam in the bottom of bag that needed cutting out?
A search of the green shorts soon produced the answer.
I had not noticed, probably because of the similar colour, that someone had left a green chilli lying in a fold at the bottom of the bag.
If anyone has ever sliced chilli’s for a meal and then, 3 hours later, poked an itchy eye or picked your nose. You can only imagine the pain caused by sitting on a green chilli for 2 hours! (except those that have served time in prison)
I called my partner and showed him the offending chilli and, although it still hurt when I laughed, we both had to see the funny side of it.
We laughed for ages. The only time I stopped laughing was when my partner wondered whether it would have hurt as much with the seeds taken out!
“ha ha bloody ha” I said.
The moral of the story is, check out your green bags for hidden vegetables before wearing them, especially the dreaded green chilli.
Regards
cedric
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Originally Posted by Mtbeaver
