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Thread: Blonde Joke

  1. #1
    (formerly known as Coach) Your Humble Servant Darren's Avatar
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    Lightbulb Blonde Joke

    Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.
    One blonde yells to the other, How do you get to the other side?
    You are on the other side, the other blonde yells back.


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    Dear Lord, if you give us back Johnny Cash, we'll give you Justin Bieber.

  2. #2
    Veteran Contributor LarryNJ's Avatar
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    A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

    She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

    The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

    Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

    Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

    Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

    Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

    Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

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  3. #3
    Veteran Contributor LarryNJ's Avatar
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    Unhappy Sorry forr the double post!

    GDDRP said that joke sucks and I cannot edit it so how about this one?

    A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game.

    They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

    After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

    "Oh, I really liked it," she replied," especially the cute guys with all the big muscles but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

    Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

    "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was
    , "Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!", Helloooo It's only 25 cents!"

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  4. #4
    OK you got me started

    Blonde goes into A&E with the tip of her left index finger blown off.

    The doctor looks at her a says it pretty serious, how did it happen?

    Well, said the blonde, I was attempting to commit suicide.

    Doctors a bit confused so he asks her to go on.

    Well, she said, I got myself a pistol and put it in my mouth. Then I thought, I spent $18K on dental work and veneers theres no way I'm going to wreck these.

    So I took the gun and pointed it my chest. Then I thought these to puppies cost me $12K and theres no way I'm going to destroy them.

    So then I took the pistol and held it to by right ear. Then I thought, this is going to be loud so I put my finger in my other ear.

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    ... on the 6th day God played rugby and on the 7th day he rested, because he was sore and a little hungover.

  5. #5
    Veteran Contributor LarryNJ's Avatar
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    A man was out mowing his lawn one day, when the blonde next door came out to check her mail. She looked in her mailbox, slammed it shut, and stormed back into the house. The man went back to his lawn. A few minutes later, the blonde again walked out to her mail box, looked in, and started to stomp back inside. The man stopped her and asked what she was waiting for. She looked at him angrily and replied, "That stupid computer keeps saying I've got mail"

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  6. #6
    (formerly known as Coach) Your Humble Servant Darren's Avatar
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    GirlsDigDirtyRugbyPlayers is out of town again isn't she Larry?

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    Dear Lord, if you give us back Johnny Cash, we'll give you Justin Bieber.

  7. #7
    Veteran Contributor LarryNJ's Avatar
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    No, If she was out of town I wouldn't be on TWF!

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  8. #8
    Player Contributor Flat-top's Avatar
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    Tenuous link but lets pretend the girlfriend was blonde!

    Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
    "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

    His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
    "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

    The kiwi says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

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  9. #9
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    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

    The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

    Much to his dismay the rabbit is dead.

    The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

    A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

    She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

    The blonde says, "Don't worry."

    She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

    She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

    The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

    Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten
    feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again until he hops out of sight.

    The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

    The woman turns the can around so that the man can read label.

    It says………………………




    "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."

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  10. #10
    Player Contributor Flat-top's Avatar
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    1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
    Thyroid problem?
    2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
    realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
    him to forgive me.
    3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
    swimming.
    4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
    on with my real ladder.
    5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
    But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may
    break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there
    on it was sticks and stones all the way.
    6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
    why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
    7) sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
    better have a good hand. (That's my favourite one)
    8) I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbour
    said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
    9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
    meat?
    10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
    give the wrong answers.
    11) You know that look women get when they want it? Me neither.

    Peter Kay's questions...

    1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room while you get undressed?
    2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
    the core of the earth?
    3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
    4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bum?
    5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
    stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
    6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
    7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
    centuries' have a 'use by' date?
    8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
    horrible crisp no one would eat?
    9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
    10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
    squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
    11. What do people in China call their good plates?
    12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
    don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
    13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
    14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
    15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
    stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
    wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
    16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
    at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
    the window?

    Universal Truths

    1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
    2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
    3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
    pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
    4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
    5) Everyone who grew up in the 80 's has entered the digits 55378008
    into a calculator
    6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
    7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
    fire in your back garden.
    8) Nobody ever dares to make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
    9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
    10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
    11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
    12) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
    your teacher mum or dad.
    13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
    through and then raced against the flush.
    14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
    15) You never ever run out of salt.
    16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
    your hand or head stuck in something.
    17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
    18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
    their arm broken by a swan.
    19) The most painful household accident is being barefoot and stepping
    on an upturned plug.
    20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
    21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
    wood specifically to stir paint with.
    22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

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  11. #11
    Player Contributor Flat-top's Avatar
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    And one that seems to fit with present company.

    Three plastic surgeons (a Brit an Aussie and a Yank) at a conference are discussing their skills and the near miracles they have performed,

    The Brit says, “I had a man on my operating table the other day that had both his arms ripped of in a freak accident. I sewed them back on and that man is now an international fast bowler playing test matches for England”

    The Aussie looks up and says, “Well I had a bloke in here the other day that fell 300 feet down a ravine into crocodile infested waters and lost both arms and both legs. I sewed them back on and that bloke is now an Olympic decathlete, one of the finest in the world”

    So the Yank looks up and says, “Gee, I had a man a while ago who while riding his horse got hit by a truck doing 100 Mph, knocked into the blades of a threshing machine and dumped into a ditch where coyotes picked at him, all we got was a cowboy hat and an ar5e hole….








    …. That mans now president”

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  12. #12
    Player Contributor Flat-top's Avatar
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    LarryNJ may apptreciate this one....


    This is the transcript on an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10 - 10 - 95.

    Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
    Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
    Canadians: No. I say again you divert YOUR course.
    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES` ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE OR MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
    Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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