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... and some more ...
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks
Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
Movies:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy".
Low Blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain
Directions:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store".
Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Politics:
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Cheerleaders:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.
Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Mustaches:
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.
Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
More Differences Between Men and Women
Even though we can now explain differences between men and omen's
social conduct genetically,
several facts remain puzzling and distinguished professors in the field
think answers may be a few centuries away yet... for instance, can you
explain why...
Men are biologically incapable of letting a women light a barbecue.
Men drive to a party, women drive back.
Heterosexual women are not frightened of lesbians, whereas heterosexual men are terrified of homosexuals - once they are pointed out to them, by women.
Men have flu, women have colds.
Women do not replace tops on jars and tubes. Men put them on so tightly that they cannot be removed at all.
Single-tasking men do one thing well at a time: e.g. drink a cup of coffee.
In the same time a single-tasking women can make breakfast, make the
children's sandwiches, organize the window cleaner, phone the office, dress the children, write shopping list, iron a shirt and de-flea the cat.
Men warm their posteriors at the fire, women do not.
Women's posteriors enable them to sit comfortably on the floor, men's do not.
A man who has no difficulty in undressing an adult women will nevertheless prove incapable of fitting a small child into a baby gown.
A woman believes that visitors will be impressed by a clean house. A man believes that the visitors will be impressed with his large stereo.
Exactly the same haircut will cost $30 more for a woman than it will for a man.
HIS and HERS Road Trip
HERS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window.
3. Asks directions.
4. Arrives at destination.
HIS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window.
5. Hocks a loogie.
6. Pulls up to a 7 - 11.
7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. Farts.
11. After he closes the door.
12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7- 11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
14. Almost hits a deer.
15. Curses the night.
16. Curses you.
17. Curses the large slurpee.
18. Stops by the side of the road.
19 Takes a leak.
20. Still taking a leak.
21. Almost done.
22. I think.
23. Returns to car.
24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
27. He hates your sister.
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
29. He had to look up pernicious.
30. Couldn't find a dictionary.
31. Finally found a dictionary.
32. Couldn't spell pernicious.
33. Seethes at the memory of it all.
34. But she is laughing inside.
35. And of course you're still lost.
I Hear Ya
What a woman says:
Cmon...This place is a mess!
You and I need to clean.
Your pants are on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
if we don't do laundry now!
What a man hears:
C'MON....blah, blah, blah
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!!
WOMEN:
Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry
children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but
they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they
want to cry. They cry when they are happy, and laugh when
they are nervous.
Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a
friend, after a snowy drive home.
They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-
at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear
suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.
They fight for what they believe in. They stand up
against injustice.
They walk and talk the extra mile to get their kids into
the right schools and to get their family the right
health care.
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart --
they know that knowledge is power.
But they still know how to use their softer side to make
a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their
friends, and themselves. They drive, fly, walk, run
or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow
at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when
they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable!
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and
hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral
support to their family and friends. And all they want
in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same
for people you come in contact with.
MEN:
Men are good at lifting heavy shit.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
hahaha mtbeaver it seems you have opened a can of worms
I vote females muhahaha ... at least we are the smarter sex!
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Originally Posted by frontrow
... lmao!
