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This guy could be onto something
10 ways to sex-up the Olympics
Dave: The world according to Dave: 10 ways to sex-up the Olympics
Fair play, decency, and togetherness. Yes, the Olympics are pretty much a snooze from start to finish. But there's a simple way to make them rather more interesting - just take a few hints from how the Greeks did it during the Ancient Games. Oh yes.
1: Slash the Olympic sports
When the Ancient Olympics first started, there was just one event: running. Good, solid, no-nonsense running. And what do we have today? Badminton, which is basically a sort of rubbish tennis. Or sailing, which is only a sport if you're an unbearable person called Rupert. Streamline the Games to about three events, and less people will switch over to Strictly Come Dung-eating.
2: More nubile virgins
We've all by now noticed the relative lack of comely, nubile virgins at the Olympics. It wasn't always like this. Back in the original Games, women were actually barred from attending unless they were the aforementioned virginal hotties. Obviously we wouldn't ordinarily condone such a shockingly discriminatory policy, but some things in life are so dull that only massive titillating sexism will do.
3: Make the events more fatal
Want to know how boxing was done in the Ancient Olympics? Two guys wound straps of leather around their knuckles and basically pummelled or strangled each other until one begged for mercy. Nowadays, injury and death rates are at an all-time low. This should be rectified by having the running track run straight through that bit where people throw javelins. Instantly it's more exciting for us AND the athletes.
4: Bring back cool names
The athletes of the Ancient Olympics had names like Milo of Croton and Koroibos of Elis. We've got Michael Rimmer and Craig Pickering. The Ancient athletes sound like alien overlords and snarling gods of the deep. Our athletes sound like supply teachers. The only solution is a variety of ludicrous aliases, to boost morale. Just putting the word "Darth" in front of everyone's name should do it.
5: Way more chariot racing
Going to a restaurant. The school run. Sex. Almost every activity can be immeasurably improved by the inclusion of a chariot race. In fact, chariot races were a regular fixture in the original Olympics, but of course they're nowhere to be seen today. Come on, people, bung a chariot race in. If you need to make space in the schedule, take out softball. What IS softball, anyway? Even the softball players want to know.
6: Include a war
Nowadays you hardly ever get armies rushing into the Olympics, throwing spears and killing everything. But back in the day, factions would actually have full-on battles to gain control of the Games. In 364 BC, one group even mounted an attack on the Pentathlon. We think that's pretty rude, but a massive bloodbath would certainly make the opening ceremony less mind-meltingly tedious. Just a thought.
7: Everybody get naked
The lack of gratuitous nakedness in today's Olympics is an insult to everything the Greeks held dear. In their day, athletes would wear nothing but a fine coating of olive oil - all the better to make their pecs and thighs glisten in a god-like way. Bring it back, we say. Let us bask in the bountiful bulk of the weightlifters, worship at the altar of stringy sweaty marathon runners, and gaze in wonderment at things that dangle and flop. Right?
8: Hopliwhatnow?
The Greeks laid the foundations of philosophy, art, and Western civilisation. They also gave us the silliest race of all time. Known as the hoplitodromia, it was basically a sprint event – except that the athletes had to race while dressed in full suits of armour. We suggest extending this cumbersome uniform to all the events, from diving to tennis. Then we can point and laugh, and the Olympics will have been totally worthwhile.
9: Lose badly
How should an athlete react when they lose an event? Why, they should follow the example of Cleomedes, the Ancient Olympian who, having been disqualified from an event, went berserk and literally destroyed a local school with his bare hands. It was a rampage so magnificent that everyone thought he was possessed by a vengeful god, and he was acclaimed as a divine hero. The moral of the story: if you're going to lose, lose sorely. And smash up a school if you can.
10: Add a god
Zeus was once the "god of the Games", but we've yet to come up with a modern replacement. To avoid the risk of athletes coming to blows over religion (amusing as that would be), we suggest a massive marble statue of Daley Thompson. That large thick moustache of his always marked him out as something more than a mere athlete - as more god than man, in fact. Hail Thompson! The Olympics are far better already.
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