Room for improvement
22 May 2008
John Welborn & Dave Hughes



Backs
Mr Mulvihill reported good numbers early in the term but absenteeism thereafter hindered the class. The Cross boy is developing into the kind of gentleman this establishment aims to produce and the precocious O’Connor is wearing long pants for the first time after coming up from nursery school. Staniforth and Mitchell sat several tests and Shepherd put up his hand at the end of the period.
Half-backs
The headmaster had to surgically separate Henjak and Giteau when expelling Year 3 Matt for excessive boisterousness at The Left Hook relaxation facility. This created some dysfunction in the class. Year 2 Matt was elevated to deputy head boy and studied his head off with the help of Mr Norton-Knight of the Waratah Academy. The ghost that has intermittently haunted this classroom for three years briefly took on a physical manifestation and the boys nicknamed it Lachie.
Loose forwards
Polite young Pocock is starting to bully his peers from other schools but Mr Fern says bully for him. Brown and Fava switched desks to earn distinctions in impact physics. Horua and Hodgson are attentive students and the collective effort of these boys has transformed this class from one of the academically weakest to scholarship material.
Tight forwards
McIsaac got a certificate for 100 per cent attendance but those sitting either side of him in class changed weekly. Props were sent to the naughty corner after those ruffians from Latham Memorial found them pushovers. Young Hockings got a gold star and stamp for his developmental project.
Pusey failed to provide teacher with a daily apple and was sent to the back of the class.
Extra-curricular activities
Wildlife Society: Fauna fancier Fava was nominated for a Nobel Prize for pioneering the elevation of a marooned hamster to icon status.
Investment club: Mr Ripper, of Treasury High, was marched off the premises for audaciously soliciting a loan from Giteau. Something about being unable to wait for the proceeds of the mining boom to fund earthworks for a new footy stadium. Hands off our Rhodes Scholar. And his loose change.
Tuck shop: Props will be ordered to patronise this establishment and Mr Masters’ gym to beef up.
Sick room: Matron Steele has urgently requested expansion to alleviate overcrowding. Unwell boys were sleeping on stretchers in the corridor during the end-of-term epidemic. This is Mitchell High, after all, not Royal Perth.
Frequent Flyer Club: New Zealand and South Africa have threatened to revoke the school’s visa if our pillaging abroad continues.
Debating: Head boy “Greegs” Sharpe displayed increased passion for contradicting contest adjudicators.
Remedial mathematics: Mr Stooke continues to struggle to explain the concept of the rectangular oval to parents and trustees.
Headmaster’s comments: Seven-and-six doesn’t add up in my book so in my frustration I see this season as a wasted opportunity.
I am, however, pleased at the progress of several younger pupils who are prefect material. The boys have grown physically and mentally and now have to get tougher.
It’s up to the leadership group to make a mental deposit and ensure pupils stay within team policy, look after the welfare of their bodies, execute method and increase attacking impetus.
At the risk of the media meddlers taking the, ah, micturation, let me reiterate the school motto: we will continue to focus on ourselves, give 110 per cent and take one game at a time.