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![Not allowed!](images/buttons/up_dis.png)
You'll like this one Luke...fun banter haha
The Pope was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off-shore. A helpless man, wearing an English rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Welsh, Irish and Scottish rugby jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the hapless English fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatred between the Celts and England rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies: "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"
Just happy to be here
hahahaha love it![]()
To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support group.
The value of a second opinion!
>
>The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
>bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
>condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the
>pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
>pressure is to remove the testicles."
>
>Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
>for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
>
>When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time
>in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
>himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
>different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
>
>He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
>suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new
>suit."
>
>
>The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
>long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the
>business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit
>perfectly.
>
>As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a
>new shirt?"
>
>Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe
>and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised,
>"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe
>tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
>
>Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
>about some new underwear?"
>
>Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back,
>eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
>
>Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years
>old."
>
>The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear
>would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
>you one hell of a headache."
>
>New suit = £400
>New shirt = £36
>New underwear = £6
>Second Opinion = Priceless
Speaking of testicles...
A kiwi is in Aus for the bledisloe and suddenly develops prostrate trouble, so off he trots to see the doctor.
The doctor examines him and says "You have a bad problem, and the only way we can cure you is to take out your testicles".
"Eh, bro!!", he says, "but doc, do you mind if I get a second opinion?"
The doctor replies "Of course not, but if you want this operation come back and see me as soon as possible".
So the kiwi goes to see a specialist. The specialist examines him and says "You have testicular cancer, and I will have to remove both your testicles".
By now the kiwi is getting very worried and the bledisloe is fast approaching, he bumps into an expat Kiwi doctor who is living in Aus. (here you have to use your imagination, an expat Kiwi living in Aus with a job) "Doc", says the kiwi, could you examine me please I think I am in trouble".
So the kiwi doctor examines the man and says to him, "Yu hev cancer and to fix the problem we will hev to cut your balls out!"
"Thank christ thats all it is!" says the kiwi, "them Aussie bastards wanted to take me test tickets off me".
and of aussies...
A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Kin ya swaller? Asked Kenzie. The woman signaled No! Desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her arse. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, that's the first time I ever seen somebody do that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre."
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
Just happy to be here
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said
This one made me think of Burgs!![]()
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put
in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You
have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go
into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no
hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take
it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he
was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire,
he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Yeah......tah......Yankee prick.......![]()
Originally Posted by LarryNJ
I must admit it did conjure up a picture of Burgs all "dragged up" and going into a bar in Meekathara....having been there once I imagine he would probably get lucky![]()
Just happy to be here
Originally Posted by The EnForcer
What kind of prick does that make you? A Pom -----?
To try and save some dignity:
This old Texan cow poke was sitting at the bar of his local watering hole.
No one else was there, except the old barman sitting near the taps.
Suddenly out of the dusty street outside came a good looking sort of a female backpacker.
She looked around for a bit and then walked to the bar, pulled up the stool next to the old cow poke and ordered a beer.
After a few minutes awkward silence she turned to the old fella and said, "Are you a real cowboy?"
The old fella scratched his chiseled jaw with a gnarled weather beaten hand for a bit and then finally said (insert your best dusty Texan cow poke accent here!) "Well, I've spent my life on the range, handlin' cattle, strainin' fences, fixin’ troughs and waitin' for rain. So yeah, I guess you could call me a real cowboy..."
The backpacker seemed satisfied for a few minutes but then turned again to the cow poke and said, "You know what, I'm a lesbian."
The old fella scratched his chiseled jaw with a gnarled weather beaten hand for a bit and then finally said (insert your best dusty Texan cow poke accent here!) "What's one of them?"
Realising she was really in the middle of nowhere and trying not to weird the old fella out too much the buxom lass replied, "Well, all I think about all day and night is women. I can be walking down the street and what's on my mind? Women! Having dinner? Women! All day I tell you, can't think of anything else but women!"
The old fella scratched his chiseled jaw with a gnarled weather beaten hand for a bit and then finally said (insert your best dusty Texan cow poke accent here!) "Is that right!" and promptly ordered another beer for himself!
The backpacker finished her drink and having bid farewell to the cow poke and the barman disappeared into the dusty street to go on her journey.
About half an hour later a traveling salesman wandered into the bar and ordered himself a brewsky.
Having gulped back a couple of mouthfuls of desert mud and keen for conversation he turned to the old cow poke and asked, "Hey old man, are you a real cowboy?"
The old fella scratched his chiseled jaw with a gnarled weather beaten hand for a bit and then finally drunkenly drawled (insert your best dusty drunken Texan cow poke accent here!) "Well, for more years than I care to remember, I've spent my life on the range, handlin' cattle, strainin' fences, fixin troughs and waitin' for rain. So, I always thought I was a real cowboy but, as it turns out, seemingly I'm a lesbian!"
<groan>
Dear Lord, if you give us back Johnny Cash, we'll give you Justin Bieber.
Oh hold on old boy...I've been called many things and some were true but pom I am notOriginally Posted by LarryNJ
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Just happy to be here