Earn v50,000

[Happy]

Would you like to earn a cheeky v50,000 ??? It's easy all you have to do is post up a joke - the funniest one decided in a poll will win!

Entries will be open until 6pm WST Thursday 3rd May! Content can be what ever you think is appropriate for this site!!

One joke per person!!!

Over to you!

[travelling_gerry]

Do they have to be clean?

[Happy]

good call - initial post updated!

[Thequeerone]

Woman comes home and tells her husband,



"Remember those headaches I've been having



all these years? Well, they're gone."



"No more headaches?" the husband asks,



"What happened?"



His wife replies,



"Margie referred me to a hypnotist.



He told me to stand in front of a mirror,



stare at myself and repeat



'I do not have a headache;



I do not have a headache,



I do not have a headache.'



It worked!



The headaches are all gone."





Well, that is wonderful."



His wife then says,



"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.



Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see



if he can do anything for that?"



The husband agrees to try it.



Following his appointment, the husband



comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up



his wife and carries her into the bedroom.



He puts her on the bed and says,



"Don't move, I'll be right back."



He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.





His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"



The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."



He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.



The wife sits up and her head is spinning.



Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."



With that, he goes back in the bathroom.



This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,



"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"





His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

[WF2006]

Content can be what ever you think is appropriate for this site!!

Content can be whatever the anti-language software thinks is appropriate for this site!

[Happy]

haha if your joke gets removed by the mod's - don't blame me!!

was sent this joke this morning - just to help set the bar

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"


Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."


The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"


"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.


So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.


"OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:


First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.


Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.


Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs, who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."


The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things"


"Your call," says the bartender, "but`your money stays where it is."


As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,


"Wherez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp, tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.


Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.



They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping,


And then silence.


Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.


"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

[Terri]

A Cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally I got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
I got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS, So I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred.

The officer walked in tears laughing.

[Burgs]

There was a struggling pastoralist who owned a station on the drought ravaged East Gascoyne.

The WA Dept of Employment claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent a Public Servant out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the Public Servant.

"Well," replied the pastoralist, "There's my station hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of Bundy every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the HALF-WIT," demanded the Public Servant.

"That would be me," replied the pastoralist.

[blueandblack]

not sure if this qualifies as a joke but its my input.

on another forum was a link to this story: http://www.rugby365.com/story/0,1888...040112,00.html.

The thread was titled "what would you call this penalty?". My answer was "crouch, touch, pause, engage".

[WF2006]

Sorry B&B, either I'm dopey or the link ain't what you wanted it to be!

Links to a story entitled "It's back to basics for the Sharks" about how the Sharks need to lift their game to make the finals.....nice cheerleader link on the bottom left though!

**WF2006 ducks and weaves the flying insults from the lady members!**

[blueandblack]

Sorry B&B, either I'm dopey or the link ain't what you wanted it to be!

Links to a story entitled "It's back to basics for the Sharks" about how the Sharks need to lift their game to make the finals.....nice cheerleader link on the bottom left though!

**WF2006 ducks and weaves the flying insults from the lady members!**

didnt see the pic in the main story? try this:

[shasta]

An oldie, but here goes.....

Ewen McKenzie takes the Tahs out for training and tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion.

Well this ones certainly PG - pretty gross

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around
the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's
liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mum screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break
something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to
the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for
the store. He gives it a flick and it lands in the toilet so he leaves it


Mum comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A
diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and .............
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's
seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the
situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine
everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets
down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it
might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. "

Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is
the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

[The InnFORCEr]

A man was fishing offshore in beautiful conditions. His first drop began with a 25kg Kingfish and the second produced a 20 lb snapper. On the third drop he had just scored his first ever Long tail tuna when his mobile phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the intensive care unit.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.

He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last!"

"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just f *cking with you. She's dead. What did you catch?"

[NeoGirl]

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees a record in the window of a charity shop "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it.

"Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto his turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognize any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"

The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track after a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still confused "No, I still don't recognize any of these wasps. Can you try the next track?"

The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority on wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head. "It's no good. I just don't recognize any of these wasps"

The assistant peers at the label of the record and says...

...



...

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side".