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I’ve bought a new clock,’ boasted Clancy. ‘It goes eight days without winding.’
‘How long does it go if you do wind it?’ asked the barman.
The drunk rang Dublin airport and inquired: ‘How long does it take to fly to New York from Dublin?’
‘Just a second,’ said the receptionist.
Thank you,’ said the drunk and replaced the phone.
‘Wasn’t it tragic about my brother Michael,’ moaned Kelly. ‘Women and whiskey killed him.’
‘Is that so?’ sympathised O’Toole.
‘Yes, he couldn’t get either so he hung himself!’
‘Have you decided what to buy your missus for Christmas?’ asked McPhee.
‘Sure, she decided it for me,’ answered Kelly. ‘She said she wanted something with diamonds in it. So I’ve bought her a pack of cards!’
The Irishman had been found guilty of murder and sentenced to the electric chair.
‘Have you any last request?’ asked the prison warden.
‘Yes,’ replied the prisoner. ‘Would you hold my hand when I go?’
Sign in a London pub: ‘Happy hour – all you can drink for £1.’
Murphy went up to the bar and said “ill have two quids’ worth please.’
‘Listen boys,’ said the football coach. ‘We’ve got to equalise before they score or we’ve got no chance!’
‘We’re in trouble today,’ said the coach. ‘Everything in our favour is against us!’
‘I’m a member of the Irish Secret Service,’ boasted Murphy. ‘And I don’t care who knows it!’
‘You lot are a complete disgrace,’ bellowed the sergeant major.
‘That’s the worst straight line I’ve ever seen. All fall out and come and take a look at it!