A bit of rugby humour

Todd Blackadder, John Eales and Joost van der Westhuizen were in an aeroplane that crashed. They`re up in heaven, and God`s sitting on the great white throne.
God addressed Joost first. "Joost, what do you believe in?"
Joost replied, "Well, I believe that the The Springboks are a side that plays best under
pressure. We are a really tough nation. I believe the racial quota`s are the wrong way of doing the right thing and I believe kicking for goal is not the way to win games. "
God thinks for a second and said, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Todd Blackadder. "Todd, what do you believe in?", Todd replies, "Well, I
believe in power to the people. I think the New Zealand public own the New Zealand jersey and that the All Blacks are those simply lucky enough to be wearing it. I also believe in feeling people`s pain."
God thinks for a second and says, "okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses John Eales. "John, what do you believe in?"
Ealesy said, "I believe you`re in my chair."



Not an AB Fan

A New Zealand school teacher explains to her class that she is an All Blacks fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are All Blacks fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn`t you raise your hand?"
"Because I`m not a All Blacks fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an All Blacks fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Wallabies fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Wallabies fan?"
"Because my mum is a Wallabies fan, and my dad is Wallabies fan, so I`m a Wallabies fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Wallabies fan. You don`t have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"
"Then," Janie smiled, "I`d be an All Blacks fan."




A Referee at the Gates of Heaven

A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If the ref could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.

"Well," said the ref, "I was reffing a game between the Queensland Reds and New South Wales Waratah`s at Suncorp Stadium. Queensland were 2 points ahead, 1 minute to go. The New South Wales wing made a break, passed inside to his lock. The lock was driven on by his forwards, passed out to the flanker who ducked blind and went over in the corner. However, the flanker dropped the ball before he could ground it, and as New South Wales were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had dropped the ball down, not forward, and awarded the try."

"OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book." says Peter, and disappears to look it up. When he comes back he says "Sorry, there is no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?"

The ref looked at his watch and replied "45 seconds ago."



Pre-Match Rituals

Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing "The Haka" before their world cup games, the other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.

The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while.

The Scotland team will chant "You lookin` at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents heads.

The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance to raucous derision, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA, and the IRB, on the grounds that it is cruel and disrespectful of the national pastime of New Zealand. Great minds think alike and all that !!

Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forceably removed by the Stewards.

Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called "Saving No8 Lyle".

Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the side to ransom only to find that France is not interested.

The Italian team will arrive in red penis substitute cars, sexually harass the female stewards - and then run away.

The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch mow it and then claim that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time.

The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).

The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials.

The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline.



A Props Testimony to a Back

Son, in this world there are scrums. And in those scrums you need props. Are you willing to do it? As a prop, I have more responsibility than you can ever fathom. You use words like "drunk" and "out of shape"; those words are the very backbone of a life I spent drinking and partying in, and you use them as a punchline. You weep for your wings and centers, and curse the prop forward. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of knowing that the front row, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, wins these games you play. Truth? You can`t handle the truth, because deep down in places you don`t talk about in your selection meetings, you want me in that scrum; you need me in that scrum. I neither have the time nor inclination to explain myself to a back who scores under the very blanket of ball retention that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just bought me a beer and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you crawl into that scrum and get dirty. Either way, I don`t give a damn who you think is responsible.