Santa's shock gifts for sports' sad sacks

[Flamethrower]

Santa's shock gifts for sports' sad sacks
Sunday Star Times | Sunday, 23 December 2007
Santa's shock gifts for sports' sad sacks - New Zealand's source for sport, rugby, cricket & league news on Stuff.co.nz


It's the season for awards so with festive cheer in mind here are some of the things which made us laugh and cry during the past 12 months:

The Nostradamus Award: The people who made those little All Blacks figurines that unexpectedly fell over and had "warning: choking hazard" printed on the bottom.

You Can Run But You Can't Hide award: Marion Jones, left, the American sprinter was finally revealed as the doping queen everyone suspected her to be.

The What's The Fuss award: Anyone who questioned Adine Wilson playing during the netball world champs while in the early stages of pregnancy.

The What The F. . . award: The Australian cricket team has won 14 tests in a row and ran through the world cup undefeated but managed to lose a Twenty20 match to er, um . . . Zimbabwe.

The Referee And The Pea: In the style of The Princess and the Pea, for the rugby referee who couldn't find the pea in his whistle: Wayne Barnes.

The Tony Veitch award for non-stop gibbering, also The Saddam Hussein Memorial Prize for Diplomacy: Black Caps coach John Bracewell. For years we've wanted him to shut up to save this country from embarrassment and to protect us from going to war with Australia. It may be too late.

The Shooting Star award for burning up when entering the atmosphere of the real world: Golfer Michelle Wie.

The All I Want For Christmas award (is a national coaching job, any national coaching job): Rugby's Robbie Deans. It looks as though the Kiwis have turned on him already

The Robert Ludlum-esque Conspiracy award: Alinghi sailor Simon Daubney for blaming his positive cocaine test on a drink spiked by spiteful former crew-mates on Team New Zealand. A bit on the nose, Simon.

The False Optimism award: The All Whites soccer team. Yeah, they were the biggest movers in the Fifa rankings in 2007 but they're still 96th in the world.

This is not Tana's Handbag award: The idiots who tried to sell David Beckham's food scraps on TradeMe. The story reached America where people were laughing at us.

The "It's All Right Ma, I'm Only Bleeding" award: Kiwi boxer Shane Cameron.

"I'm the best", "No I'm the best" award for schoolyard feuding: F1 stars Lewis Hamilton and Fernando Alonso would have loved to have turned their McLarens into dodgem cars but settled on a verbal ding- dong.

The Not Tiger Woods award for being an interesting golfer: John Daly, who reported during the year that his wife Sherrie stabbed him while he was sleeping. "I was stabbed Thursday night of last week in my right cheek and clawed in my left cheek. She's saying it didn't happen. I want my fans to know it happened. I was the only one sober at this time. I just want the fans to know that I love them very much and my wife is a liar, a liar. I'm tired of being a victim of all this crap. She beats me up when I go to sleep. Every time I go to sleep she throws her fists on me. I just married the wrong woman." And if that's not the quote of the year . . .

The Dirtiest Trick in the Book award: Drug-cheating cyclist Floyd Landis for trying to blackmail fellow American rider Greg LeMond after LeMond revealed to Landis that he had been sexually abused as a child. LeMond went public with the story himself and Landis continues to wallow in his self-made hell.

The Kath and Kim "Look at MOIEEEE!" award: Former NBA basketballer John Amaechi reveals he is gay. "So what," say the millions of people who had never previously heard of John Amaechi.

The Fair Play award sponsored by Best Bets: Tennis player Nikolay Davydenko.

I need ecstacy because I'm in so much psychic agony award: League star Andrew Johns.

The Mike Curb Congregation reprise of "Burning Bridges" for best kiss-off line award: Sri Lanka cricketer Marvan Atapattu for the "pack of muppets led by a joker" sledge to his national selection panel before pulling stumps.

The Beem(er) me up Scotty (Compton) award: Rugby star Doug Howlett, after his night on the turps with All Blacks media man Scott Compton (among others) goes all King Kong on a couple of cars.

[Skiza]

Santa's shock gifts for sports' sad sacks


The All I Want For Christmas award (is a national coaching job, any national coaching job): Rugby's Robbie Deans. It looks as though the Kiwis have turned on him already

We were talking to our family in NZ yesterday and they were saying that the general feeling over there is that they're glad that Deans has been given a national coaching job and wish him luck, but of course are a bit disappointed that he won't be coaching NZ and will be coaching Australia .

Funny stuff Flamethrower, great find

[GIGS20]

That will NOT stop him getting heaps of shit in the press Skiz!!!!

[Flamethrower]

Yeah sorry. I meant the Kiwi press when I wrote that.
The feeling I get is most of the Kiwi public wanted him to coach the All Blacks.

[JediKnight]

The feeling I get is most of the Kiwi public wanted him to coach the All Blacks.

And he will.....in 2009, once Henry's given the boot after 2 dismal 3N campaigns. It's all a cunning plan to give Deans some experience at the international level without having him endure 4 years of Kiwi optimism in the run up to RWC2011.

[Burgs]

Must be a bit of South Islander in you there Jedi, that infamous Scottish-Kiwi connection
My understanding is he has a four year contract, which means, for him to be able to picked by any other team he has either been sacked for under-performance or bought his way out of the contract.
With the dollars they are talking for his contract, the former is unlikely and the later would be unaffordable for him.
Roll on Wallabies third RWC in 2011

[GIGS20]

And he will.....in 2009, once Henry's given the boot after 2 dismal 3N campaigns. It's all a cunning plan to give Deans some experience at the international level without having him endure 4 years of Kiwi optimism in the run up to RWC2011.

don't you mean 2012 Jedi?