One for the blokes!

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird
who doesn't gobble anymore.


Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch,
so I've named him Birmingham .

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.